#At a certain point when your brain gives you NO emotion chemicals you go to an outside source

[hajihiko]

I think this is one of those things you just Don't Say for whatever reason but I will anyway. I think Izuru did drugs

[asparklethatisblue]

30 isn't even close to 'mid-life' put that crisis back where it came from or so help me

(/lh, but seriously: everyone has their own fears about aging and I don't know what yours are but I can tell you a couple things that helped me when I was freaking out about the same thing: 1) Most people don't know who they are until long after their 20s, and the longer you live the more 'you' you discover. Going by that logic, you've barely scratched the surface. 2) My mom once told me that she's grateful for every birthday she gets because some of the ppl she loved will never get another one, and she has to enjoy it for them too. And finally, if all else fails: 3) The people profiting off your fear of aging are literally the worst people in existence. Loving yourself no matter what age you are or how you look normalizes that value and in turn makes them lose money. That's two wins: you feel better and rich people lose money. Sorry for the rambling in your inbox, hope any part of this might have been helpful and that you have an amazing birthday when it comes.)

thanks Anon. It’s not “aging” I fear, but the years I’ve already spent doing nothing to chase my dreams (i don’t know how, if someone pointed the way…) and the fact that I seem to be getting worse at making friends, or at least making friends I can see when I want to. Birthdays in general are hard for me cause I always expect… something. And then end up having a horrid mood crash and depression cause I’m hit with how my parents spent most of my life not caring for me as a person with a personality. And that my grandpa doesn’t remember or recognise me. And that my life is fine objectively, and it’s just my inability to process certain chemicals in my god damn brain that makes me ungrateful and unable to appreciate the positives and focus absurdly hard on the negatives. And that I have nothing to complain about cause I’m lucky to have what I have

so itms more like… “Birthday” is something I get excited for and then end up having as an explosion of every negative emotion and fear I had bottled up in the past year. i’m fine with being 30, I’m not fine with depression and also not being able to convince doctors to give me medication I have been prescribed before and still need just cause of bureaucracy

[churutu]

The Science Behind Great Storytelling

(Photo by Pereanu Sebastian on Unsplash)

Why do you write?

There’s probably no easy, straightforward answer to such a question. Some people write to express themselves, some to share their stories or opinions, some to inspire other people, some to educate, some even find it therapeutic. It’s a question that has both no answer and multiple, complex answers, all at once — we all write different things, for different reasons.

Nonetheless, whatever your why might be, there’s a common denominator among them all: As writers and story-tellers, we aim to transform our why into written words, in order to elicit a certain array of feelings and emotions in our readers.

What we write certainly plays a big role here, but in my humble opinion, how we write it is what makes the difference: The way you describe a murder can make the whole scene go from tragedy to comedy; the way the reader feels about a character depends on the words you use while presenting it; different punctuation can give completely different meanings to the same sentence. In other words, by learning how to write you are able to control what your audience feels while reading your work — this is why learning, experimenting, and practicing are crucial steps towards great writing and story-telling.

No surprises here, right? Everyone knows the more you write, the more you learn, and the more you learn, the better you write. It’s the well-known practice makes perfect cycle that has repeated itself throughout history and, paired with talent, has churned out some of the greatest writers of all time.

So, I could tell you to practice everyday, to read more, or to join a writing course. I could also tell you that Jane Austen’s literary style relies on a combination of parody, burlesque, irony, free indirect speech, and a degree of realism. I could tell you how Hemingway stood out from the crowd thanks to his concise, straightforward, and realistic style. If we wanted to get even more technical, I could also tell you that Shakespeare used a metrical pattern consisting of lines of unrhymed iambic pentameter, called blank verse — in short, I could tell you things you’d find in your English literature book, or things you’ve already been told a million times before.

But that’s not what I’m going to do. Instead, I’ll tell you about the science behind our readers’ emotions, the effect our words have on them while reading, and how to make them work for you:

The science

It’s all about neurotransmitters.

Technically speaking, a neurotransmitter is “a chemical substance which is released at the end of a nerve fibre by the arrival of a nerve impulse and, by diffusing across the synapse or junction, effects the transfer of the impulse to another nerve fibre, a muscle fibre, or some other structure.”

In simple English, neurotransmitters are chemical messengers: To keep it simple, all you really need to know is that external stimuli get them fired up, and according to which one is stimulated, a certain chemical is released inside your body, provoking a certain feeling or emotion.

Unfortunately, since there are way too many different kinds of neurotransmitters, we won’t be able to cover them all here. If you are interested in the topic you can grab yourself a copy of Marco Nigrini’s book “The Brain: A User’s Manual” — reading the book, I came to the conclusion that, when it comes to writing and story-telling, there are three main neurotransmitters that we can exploit: Dopamine, Oxytocin, and Endorphins.

The storytelling

It’s still, all about neurotransmitters.

Dopamine

As Nigrini puts it in his book, “dopamine is the superstar of neurotransmitters”. You have most likely heard about it at some point in your life, and for a good reason. Most people know it as the pleasure and reward hormone, because it plays a major role when it comes to experiencing happiness, our well-being and that rewarding feeling we get after doing certain things — take social media for example: Instagram likes, Facebook messages, and Twitter retweets all stimulate the release of dopamine in our brain, which is why they all become so addictive.

For us, as writers and story-tellers, the addictive properties of dopamine are perfect if we want to keep our readers glued to our work. So the logical question now, would be how do we do it?

Suspense and expectation. These two elements alone are enough to flood your readers’ neural highways with dopamine, and get them hooked to your story — creating shorter sentences, revealing vital information that the characters don’t yet know, and building anticipation, are all simple yet effective ways to accomplish this.

Oxytocin

As writers, specially when it comes to fiction, we want our readers to fall in love with our story and our characters, we want them to bond with us and our work — this is where oxytocin steals the spotlight.

To give you an example of what exactly is this neurotransmitter’s role, imagine a mother and her newborn. As we all know, the bond between the two of them is pretty much unbreakable, but why is this? In part, it’s because of oxytocin — while nursing her newborn, oxytocin is released in large amounts, thus creating a sentiment of generosity and trust between the mother and the baby.

For obvious reasons, we can’t rely on nursing our readers, so we have to stick to the next best thing: In order to stimulate the release of oxytocin in our reader’s brain, we need to create empathic characters or narrate touching stories.

Endorphins

Chocolate and sex both release endorphins — this should give you at least a vague idea of the role they play in our body. To clear up what it is they actually do though, just know that, much like dopamine, these neurotransmitters have a massive impact on your feelings of well-being, and this is what we should take advantage of: If we give our readers a more immersive reading experience, while making them feel more at ease, comfortable, and relaxed (which are all effects that endorphins have on our body), chances are they will enjoy whatever it is we put in front of them.

The good news? Stimulating the release of endorphins in our readers is way easier than you’d think — just make them laugh.

Conclusion? As with every other aspect of life, the way we experience reading massively depends on the way our brain perceives and processes information. If we, as writers, are able to understand the mechanism behind it, we can get one step closer to mastering our craft.

So remember, use science and neurotransmitters to your advantage, and develop your writing according to the feelings and emotions you want your story to elicit in your readers.

[mooifyourecows]

do you ever feel guilty when you’re feeling half despite all the issues you may have? like especially when talking to people or listening to music by people having really tough times, do you feel like “i shouldn’t get to feel like this when i’m going through something because look at how these people feel going through something”

i was raised catholic so there's nothing I can't feel guilty about tbh

but i think our emotions are the first thing we should work hard to stop feeling guilt about. there's always going to be someone who has it worse than you or who is more positive and courageous despite going through something worse than you, so there's no point in comparing your situation with anybody else's. like, maybe your favorite shirt got ruined in the wash but your brother's dog died but his friend's mom died but their neighbor's entire family died but their coworker grew up in a box on the street with no family to begin with and now has terminal cancer but their friend had to flee from their home country because war wiped out everyone they knew and etc etc etc, it goes on and on and on until finally we find the ONE single person who has had the absolute WORST life possible and what... they're the only one allowed to feel bad about it? and what if they're super upbeat and positive about it? that's it. emotions are canceled for everyone else?

no, that's crazy, you know?

you're allowed to feel how you feel because you literally can't control that. and that's alright. emotions aren't the things that affect others, it's how you respond to them that affects others. and it's only your inconsiderate and cruel actions that you should feel guilty about. be aware of your privilege and be conscientious about other people who may be having a worse time than you. Don't compare your situation to someone's much worse situation as if they are equal, but for god's sake, feel your emotions and don't beat yourself up about it.

The best way to move past the bad emotions is to let yourself feel them. That's proven science, baby. When you feel yourself hit with a wave of emotion, whether it's a tightening in your chest or the urge to cry or the need to yell or punch a pillow or just stare blankly at a wall listening to sad music for some time, do it. Allow yourself that moment of weakness. Welcome it. Feel your emotion for as long as it needs to be felt and I promise it will pass and you can go about your day, business as usual. Some emotion will linger, especially the big stuff. The dead dog stuff. the dead mom stuff. the fear for the future stuff. But they'll be a whole lot worse if you try to stuff them down and lock them away because of some bullshit about not earning the right to feel them.

maybe it's totally stupid, too! as someone who has anxiety, i know that there are plenty of times that i feel emotions for entirely stupid reasons, but hey, who cares? your body and all the chemicals and electricity that makes it work have decided that THIS IS IMPORTANT, and you should respect its wisdom. the sooner you learn to respect yourself and all your little and big feelings, the happier you will be.

and anybody that tells you that you shouldn't feel a certain way is an idiot and i'll punch them in the face so send them my way, okay?

cut yourself some slack, you're doing great! and your body and brain will be so grateful if you just give them some kindness and grace 🌈🖤

[danielsiegelalonso]

Decoding Listener Psychology in Music | Daniel Siegel Alonso

Music can get under our skin, toy with our emotions, and remain in our minds long after the last note fades. Do you ever wonder why a particular song can make you feel on top of the world or shed a tear? The secret lies in the fascinating interplay between music and listener psychology. Daniel Siegel Alonso explores how and why music affects us the way it does and why understanding this can be as complex—and entertaining—as mastering a Bach symphony.

The Emotional Rollercoaster

Music is an emotional powerhouse; it can evoke a wide range of emotions, from the spine-tingling chills of a soaring opera aria to the throbbing energy of a rock anthem. This emotional connection isn’t just in our heads—Siegel Alonso notes it's deeply ingrained in our brains.

When we listen to music, our brain emits dopamine, the “feel-good” neurotransmitter. This chemical reaction is like what we experience when we eat our favorite food or fall in love. It’s no wonder that certain songs can make us feel euphoric or deeply moved. Think of Whitney Houston's “I Will Always Love You.” The fusion of Houston's powerful voice and Dolly Parton's poignant lyrics can make even the most stoic listener get misty-eyed.

Memory Lane

Music and memory are intricately linked. That's why Siegel Alonso points out that hearing a song can instantly transport you to a specific moment. That's because our brains retain musical memories in an easily retrievable way, making songs powerful triggers for remembering past events.

This phenomenon is why “your song” with a significant other can stir strong memories, or a tune from childhood can make you feel nostalgic. Songs become our lives' soundtracks, weaving into our personal histories. The Beatles’ “Hey Jude,” for example, might remind you of a summer road trip with friends, while Green Day's "Good Riddance (Time of Your Life)” could bring back memories of a high school dance.

The Rhythm of the Heart

Music doesn’t just tug at our emotions and memories; it also affects our bodies. Have you ever noticed how your heart rate syncs with the beat of a song? Upbeat music with a fast tempo can make your heart race, while a slow, calming melody can help you relax.

This is why music is often used in therapeutic settings. For instance, patients undergoing surgery may listen to calming music to reduce anxiety and pain. Similarly, buoyant tunes are used in workout playlists to keep the energy high and motivation strong. Try running to Lady Gaga’s “Edge of Glory” and see how much faster you go!

The Social Glue

Music is a social experience. It brings people together at concerts, parties, or even online fan communities. This social aspect of music plays a significant role in how we perceive and enjoy it. Singing along to a favorite song with friends or dancing in a crowd at a concert creates a sense of connection and shared experience.

This social bonding aspect can be traced back to our ancestors, who used music and rhythm to strengthen group cohesion and communication. Today, it’s why national anthems can evoke patriotism and why songs like “We Are the Champions” are perfect for celebrating victories together.

The Cultural Mirror

Music reflects and shapes our culture. It can be a powerful tool for expressing identity, beliefs, and social issues. Genres like hip-hop, punk, and folk have been at the forefront of cultural and political movements, giving voice to the marginalized and sparking change.

Understanding listener psychology in this context means recognizing that our cultural backgrounds and personal experiences influence our musical preferences. For example, country music might resonate more with someone from rural America. At the same time, K-pop has a massive following among younger audiences worldwide due to its catchy beats and elaborate performances.

Personal Preferences: The Musical DNA

Why do some people love heavy metal while others prefer classical music? A combination of factors, including personality, upbringing, and exposure shapes our musical preferences. Extroverts might gravitate towards energetic, danceable music, while introverts might prefer more mellow, introspective tunes.

Interestingly, research suggests that our brains respond differently to different types of music, depending on our personalities. For instance, people open to new experiences often enjoy complex, unconventional music, while those who score high on conscientiousness might prefer more structured, harmonious pieces.

The Marketing Maestro

Understanding listener psychology is also crucial for the music industry. Knowing what makes listeners tick helps artists, producers, and marketers create and promote music that resonates with audiences. This includes everything from songwriting and production techniques to album artwork and promotional strategies.

Consider how pop songs are often meticulously crafted to include catchy hooks and repetitive choruses. These elements are designed to make songs stick in your head and compel you to listen repeatedly. 

Conclusion

Daniel Siegel Alonso suggests that music’s power to move us, make us remember, and unite us is a testament to its deep roots in our psychology. Whether it’s a lullaby that soothes a baby, a love song that captures a romance, or an anthem that unites a crowd, music speaks to us in ways that words alone cannot.

So next time you find yourself swaying to a beat or tearing up to a ballad, remember it’s not just a song. It’s a complex interplay of emotion, memory, culture, and social connection, all orchestrated within the symphony of your mind. And that’s something worth dancing about.

[haripawali]

What is Hatha Yoga?

What is it? Is it just Yoga? What is the difference?

I know the world of Yoga can be a confusing one if you are just entering this glorious world, but I will say that I am here to clear a few things up for you.

Basically, most yoga practised in the west is Hatha yoga. It can be translated as ‘disciplined force’ (ref: Britannica.com) and hatha is a practice of postures or poses (asanas) that relieve tension and stress from the body to enable a state of meditation and peace to occur.

So that is the ‘overview’ but how has something that is an ancient practice changed its look & purpose over the years.

A lot of Hatha has adapted for the needs of the western world – the drive for a leaner body, stress relief from work overstimulation have meant that a lot of the yoga has changed its look. It is sometimes derived as Power Yoga, where the focus is on strength & fitness.

This type of Yoga is still founded in the poses of Hatha Yoga but really focuses on the Asana side.

In fact so many styles of Yoga (Ashtanga, Iyengar, Vinyasa, Bikram) all take their foundations from Hatha Yoga.

Asana

Recognisable in their beauty, the main element of yoga that we are aware of are the body shapes/poses. The sanskrit word for these is Asana.

Pranayama

The deeper side of Hatha Yoga, incorporates Pranayama – breath work.

I cannot begin to adequately express the level of healing and transformation that the boy & mind go through just by using the breath! The breath has a huge effect on the vagus nerve and thereby the para sympathetic nervous system, immediately stimulating a calmness to the body & mind.

There are endless pranayama practices involved with Hatha Yoga, each one as valuable and profound as the next.

Manta

The chanting of mantra focuses the mind – basically ‘giving it something to do’. But aside from that most basic principle, the actual sound therapy within the body is the true magic.

Everything in the universe runs on frequencies. If you have experienced a Gong Bath, you will know what I mean. Each cell in the body vibrates continuously but at different levels of frequency. When using sound in a monotone vibrational way, the cells of the body vibrate.

This stimulates emotions to come up and healing to take place. The movement of the tongue within the mouth and touching the roof palette of the mouth access certain part of the brain and stimulates the hypothalamus.

Mudra

A mudra is a hand gesture. The positions of the hands and fingers has a more scientific purpose rather than just looking pretty. The body is a complete flow of energy and the polarities such as the feet and hands are the ends of particular circuits. How the hand/fingers are positioned or touching seals/closes or opens a circuit.

They also give the mind a point of reference. Once practiced enough, the simple act of touching your thumb to your forefinger will stimulate endorphins and the feel good chemicals.

Visualisation

During any kind of Hatha Yoga, be it asana, pranayama, mudra or mantra, visualisation will intensify your experience. The word Yoga means to ‘yoke’ or join, so the connection between mind, body & breath are all bought together with your clear visualisation.

When breathing, visualise silver light travelling up & down your sine with your breath.

When standing visualise roots connecting your feet to the earth, grounding you.

Your mind is your most powerful tool, so allow it to support and enhance your Hatha Yoga.

The Take Away

Hatha Yoga, may have changed some of it’s look over the years, but it still remains an ancient, proved to work practice that guides the Yogi to a place where by calm meditation can take place, if they so want to. Whether you want a power burst, a chant or a stretch, Hatha is still the tradition to provide you with all,

[nextlevelpsychiatryus]

What Are Various Diseases Caused By Mental Illness?

Mental illness is one of the most common mental health disorders seen one in every two because of changing lifestyles, eating habits, and sleeping patterns. It is essential to identify the common causes of mental illness at earlier stages to worsen the condition. A plethora of mental health conditions like depression, behavioral changes, anxiety disorders, insomnia, eating disorder, trauma-stressor-related disorder, and bipolar are just a few names. Contact Tele Psychiatrist Appointment immediately if you're dealing with any of these mental disorders.

What Are the Common Causes of Mental Illness?

Anxiety or Fear

Everybody, at some point in life, feels stress or anxiety. However, if anxiety or fear continues for a few weeks and hampers daily routine life, it might be a sign of mental health problems. Other anxiety symptoms include rapid fluctuations in heart rate, dyspnea, headaches, sweating, shivering, dizziness, restlessness, diarrhea, and racing thoughts.

Depressed or Unhappy

Depression can be determined by prolonged mood sadness, irritability, a lack of drive and ambition, a loss of interest in hobbies, or uncontrollable tears.

Emotional Feelings

Everyone occasionally experiences various emotions, but severe and noticeable mood changes, such as intense anguish or wrath, may indicate a mental condition.

 Issues in Sleeping

Sleep patterns that affect your sleep daily during the night could be a sign of a mental health condition. For instance, insomnia could be a sign of substance misuse or anxiety. A sleeping disorder or depression may be indicated by excessive or insufficient sleep.

Fluctuations in Weight

One of the warning indicators of a mental health condition caused by depression is an eating disorder. For certain people, it could be fluctuations in weight that can result in rapid gain or loss in weight.

Behaving Like A Reserve

Taking a step back from life is a mental disorder, and this is one of the major significant changes you will notice in individual behavior. If your friend or loved one isolates themselves frequently, they might have any mental condition like depression, bipolar disorder, a psychotic disorder, or another mental illness. Denying to participate in social activities is some indication they need your help.

Abuse of substances

Excessive Consumption of abusive substances such as alcohol, drug, or any illegal drugs - could be a red flag for mental health issues,

Guilt or worthlessness

Consistent thoughts of "I'm a failure," "It's my fault," or "I'm worthless" are some common symptoms of a mental health issue like depression. If your dear one is constantly criticizing or blaming themselves, and they probably need your help. A person can express a desire to harm or kill themself when it gets wordenThis emotion may indicate suicidal tendencies and the need for immediate assistance. Immediately dial 000 to request an ambulance.

Modifications in Attitude or Behavior

An individual's feelings, thoughts, or behavior may change frequently as a result of a mental health illness. These mental health conditions give you early indications or signs that now you need to avail of the Virtual Mental Health Services for the betterment of individuals or your loved one.

What Causes Mental Illness?

Various factors that enhance the risk of mental disorder include-

Family History or Genes

Stress, Anyone Try To Abuse, Lifer Experience

A sudden or traumatic brain injury

Mother attracts viruses or toxic chemicals while pregnant

Serious medical conditions like cancer or heart-related disease

One of your friends in a group makes themselves isolated from others

Excessive Consumption of Alcohol or Recreational Drugs.

Next Level Psychiatry performs deep evidence-based clinical evaluations to identify the right diagnosis treatment plan. Our medical professionals go above and beyond and treat patients until remission. We at Next Level Psychiatry offers a range of treatments for mental health disorders.

Depression

Bipolar

Behavior Problems

Mood Disorders

Insomnia

A spectrum of Psychosis and Schizophrenia

Disordered Eating

Trauma-Related Stress Disorder

Types of Treatment Advised For Mental Disorder

The kind and severity of your mental disease will determine how severe your condition is. You will develop a personalized treatment plan with your healthcare professional. Typically, therapy of some sort is included. You could also use medication. Some individuals may require social assistance and health management training.

You could require more rigorous treatment in some circumstances. You might have to visit a mental health facility. This can be the result of your mental severe disease. You can also be afraid of hurting yourself or someone else. You will participate in activities with other patients and mental health professionals and get counseling while residing at the hospital.

Summing It Up

If you or anyone in your group is struggling with mental illness or unable to concentrate on work. Consult your mental health condition with the Best Online Psychiatrist Near Me

as he is the only one who gives you the best suggestion and takes you out of depression. Next Level Psychiatry is a one-stop destination for all emotional distress, mental illness, stress, or crisis. US-based nurse practitioner clinics have experienced and professional Psychiatrists who give the best solution for all mental issues. You can do Video Chat By Phone With Tele Doc Psychiatrist while sitting in the comfort of your home and discuss your issues in detailed.

[mavstudentvoice]

How Working Out Changed My Life (and Why You Should Start Doing It Too): 5 Tips to Get You Started

Why I Started 

I used to hate working out and did not ever even have the desire to go. I was content with my life at the time and didn't really feel the need to. But I got to a very dark point in my life and did not even want to do anything but sit at home. So one day I decided I was sick of that and wanted to do something about it. My friend Orin talked about how working out is fun and beneficial for yourself, so I decided to try it.

For the first months, I was not very comfortable and felt embarrassed. I was comparing myself to others and that was not helpful at all. The only person you should compare yourself to is you from yesterday.

So over time, I started to realize that I was changing. When I looked in the mirror and saw changes to my body it made me feel substantially better and made me want to go to work out a lot. Eventually when I got to college is when I started to see a real big change—I lost 40 lbs. and was now devoted to going. 

The Benefits of Working Out

According to Mayo Clinic Health System, “Up to 44% of college students reported having symptoms of depression and anxiety.” Exercise is a strong strategy for managing the symptoms of depression, along with many other benefits to exercising:

Regular exercise lowers the chance of developing chronic diseases including heart disease, diabetes, and some cancers.

Regular exercise helps maintain a healthy weight.

It enhances mental health by lowering anxiety and stress.

Sleep patterns, which depression can disturb, can be improved with regular exercise.

Regular exercise has been found to increase the production of endorphins, which are brain chemicals that act as natural mood enhancers.

Regular exercise can also increase energy and raise self-esteem, enhancing general well-being.

Exercise can help people shift their attention away from negative emotions and thoughts and give them a sense of success when they reach a goal. In general, frequent exercise is a crucial part of living a healthy lifestyle.

Simple Steps to Start

1. Set realistic goals. Start by setting small, achievable goals and make sure you have the tools and resources to achieve them. 

2. Find a workout friend. Having someone to exercise with can make going to the gym more enjoyable and help keep you motivated. 

3. Track your progress. Track your progress by keeping a journal or using an app to help you stay organized. This can help you stay motivated and see your progress over time. 

4. Choose activities you enjoy. If you do not enjoy the activities you're doing, you're more likely to give up. Choose activities that are enjoyable and motivating so you are more likely to stick with them. 

5. Reward yourself. Reward yourself with small treats when you reach certain goals. This can help keep you motivated and remind you of the progress you are making.

I wanted to share my personal experience about how working out has made a significant impact on my life that I could not have had if I had never started. I still have a long way to reach the goals I have set, but working out (as dumb as it might sound) made me optimistic in life and gave me something to look forward to every day. I highly recommend you just start even if you have no desire to go as you may understand why I feel like this, and many other people do too. So just start, you might as well try. If I can do it, anyone can!

-Tyler 

[ilikepjo24]

Attraction, romantic and/or sexual, is something clearly chemical. It's stuff that happens in your brain. And as of now there is no scientific evidence to prove that those chemical reactions change at any point of someone's life as far as sexuality goes.

In my opinion, sexuality isn't as much of a taboo as it used to be, and there's more attention drawn to it by the media. Which means that kids, tweens, and teenagers have access to this information before they can fully understand it.

Sexual attraction it's something that for boys starts at the age of 13-14 and for girls it starts at the age 15-16. Before that time, one cannot know what they are attracted to sexually, because they can't even grasp the concept of being sexually attracted to someone, since they have never experienced it.

And romantic attraction goes way deeper than school puppy love. People can have crushes at a young age, but personally, I don't think people are truly in love before they have experienced their partners. For example, my wife and I lived together for a long time before getting married. We had ways of scheduling our lives in ways that considered the lives of our partners.

We decided how to handle our spending. We decided together how to pay the bills and how to buy the groceries based on the income we were able to put on the table at that period of time. We shared the chores in a way that fits the program that both of us had. We decided who was going to cook the next day and what they were going to cook from the day prior. We were able to give everything to each other on an emotional, physical and financial way.

I know this might not sound as romantic as the movies or the books, but in reality as someone who has experienced the movie kind of romance and the adult life kind of romance, the latter is better. It gives you the chance to fully give yourself to your partner in every way imaginable. It builds a bond of codependency. You don't have a life that just includes them, you have a life with them.

I'm not saying that it is essential to move in with your partner to be able to fall in love with them. I know many people that have relationships and don't even live in the same country. But the difference between that and the high school romance is that they are fully realized people. They are adults that have themselves figured out. They know what they are to the core and they are making the conscious choice to give all that to their partner even through a distance.

Young people that have yet to experience living alone, having a job, having your own money, and being completely independent haven't had the chance to fully test their personal limits yet. Let's be real, people that aren't even adults have been alive for a very short amount of time. They can't give their everything to a partner, because they don't even know what their "everything" is yet.

With all that in mind, I don't think people can experience romance to its fullest before reaching adulthood and I don't think that they can experience any sexual feelings to their fullest before reaching a certain point of adolescence. However, despite their obvious inability to completely understand those concepts, they are still exposed to the idea of attraction and sexuality from a young age.

Is that bad? No. It's actually the best age to teach them and educate them about that stuff, so that when they do become adults, they will have all the knowledge they need and will only need to collect experiences to get the answers to questions like those. But that doesn't erase the fact that as of now, all they have is theoretical knowledge and no experience at all, so they can't make out final answers.

To put it simply, if you ask a 10-year-old what gets them going, they will not even understand what the fuck talking about. They don't know what being horny is, they don't know what being horny feels like, so how will they know if they get horny for boys or girls or both or neither or [insert different choice]? They won't. They won't know. That's that. And do they want to figure it out until they reach adolescence.

And if you ask a 10-year-old who they are romantically attracted to, they won't give you the correct answer either. They haven't experienced the feeling of giving your all to somebody, so they don't know yet who they want to give their all to. So instead of the answer that is actually their own truth, they will give you a different answer.

If you asked 10-year-old me if she likes boys or girls or both or neither or [insert different choice], the answer you would get is that I like boys. For those of you who haven't read the "lesbian" in my bio, or have forgotten that I earlier mentioned my wife, let me tell you now, this answer is wrong. But then why would I say it?

Because society had told me that girls talk a lot, and I was a very shy kid so I didn't talk a lot. Because of that I didn't feel comfortable around girls, because I thought that I was doing the activity of being a girl in a way that was wrong, since I didn't talk a lot. And I was scared of girls because I was afraid they were going to judge me for "not being a girl correctly".

I felt more comfortable around boys at the time, because no one has told me gender stereotypes about boys, so I felt that I could do whatever I wanted around boys and that would be okay. And because I didn't fully understand the concept of giving your all to somebody, I thought that just being comfortable around them meant that I was attracted to them romantically.

And then I became horny for the first time in my life and it was because of a girl. That was when I was 15 and up until now, I still have never been sexually attracted to a man. And then I became an adult, and after a journey of self-realization and gaining a lot of experiences, I reached a pretty good idea of what I consider my "all" to be. And I could only picture myself giving that to a woman. Which is how I came to the conclusion that no, I do not, in fact, like boys. I am a lesbian.

To conclude, it's not that the chemical reactions in your brain change from straight to gay or vice versa. It's programed to be what it's meant to be from the moment a brain is created. It's just that it takes some time to figure yourself out, because you're still growing. Your brain and body aren't fully developed yet, so how can you, in this hormonic chaos and with such a little amount of experience, figure out something this fundamental about your life?

You can guess. And sometimes those guesses might be right. But you can't know what you want, without first knowing who you are. And you can't know who you are when you've experienced basically nothing. Give yourself time. It's okay.

Thus proven.

can one's sexuality change?

Who knows? The brain's a complicated thing we don't understand much about.

I've heard cases of gays going straight or straights going gay, either suddenly or after a serious incident but who knows how much those are 'change in sexuality' vs 'Just realizing / accepting what was always there'?

Thanks for the ask ^^

[quietrainfan]

Artificial Heart!Patton being solo is all well and good. Just a creepy little guy with a fake heart of unknown origins. We love Patton being the only villain in this Unsympathetic Patton house.

Buuuut....Logan being the one who made him the artificial heart when they were younger has a lot of potential. I think it's no secret that Logan is the family's little scientist. So when he first met Patton, he wasn't....comfortable to say the least. He had to have something to control whatever this thing was. And if creating something for him happened to help Patton with whatever chaotic plans he has, then so be it.

So long as he's easier to handle. Logan enjoys experimenting anyway so the invention of the artificial heart was challenging and very, very rewarding. Cold Scientist Logan who couldn't care less about Patton's existence and literally creating something that'll make him less of nuisance- even slightly- just cause with a Chaotic Evil Jolly Patton who has fake emotions that pops into Logan's lab to give him "affection" and ask for favors occasionally. It's glorious.

So imagine the aftermath of Patton obtaining the Orange Side's nectar and rushing into Logan's lab.

"Logan!~ I have a brilliant new idea!", He tackles him from behind mid-experiment, nearly knocking a very delicate chemical out of his hand, "But I need to borrow your big meaty brain real quick to pull it off!"

Logan is not pleased by his presence but remains apathetic nonetheless. He simply asks what he needs so he can go back to work.

Patton giggles mischievously, "Oh, you'll love it! Trust me!"

He pulls out the container holding the Orange Side's nectar.

"See this?~ It's a little something I picked up in that...forbidden palace.", He cooed with a grimace, "This sweet tasting stuff is apparently our little guy's repressed vices. Turns out it's real dangerous to consume or use if you don't do it correctly, hmm? ....Got a clue what I'm hinting at?~"

"....You tasted it?"

Patton pouted, "Don't make that scary face. My curiosity has good intentions."

"Yeah, sure it does. Get to the point."

"Kay, kay! Mr. Impatience!~", Patton slung his arm around Logan's shoulder, "I was wondering...is it possible for you to replicate that cute little trinket you gifted me all those years ago? I think having some I can implant in the others might give me a bit more of an edge....and ofcourse, you a bit more entertainment.~"

"So, let me get this straight...you want to fill replicas of your heart- which I'm not even certain I can create- with that liquid you stole from the Dark Sides so you can use it to control discourse between the others? And you want me to somehow insert these replicas in them without them knowing?"

Patton nodded, "Uh-huh.~"

....................

"Alright.", Logan took the container out of Patton's hand, "It sounds challenging. Absurdly so."

"Yay! You're the best, Lo!"

"Those 'hearts' you requested may have to be smaller than average.", Logan pondered, disregarding his praise, already starting the blueprints, "Considering your....imaginative requirements for this to work, I don't think implanting these will be a small order. I'll have to adjust some things. While also starting from scratch. .....So thanks for that."

"Oh, stop pretending you don't love this!", Patton pranced out of his lab, "I'll leave you to it!"

Yeah....so many scenarios can come of this. The possibilities are endless.

@pattonapologist

[devilslinks]

# 𝗡𝗘𝗦𝗦𝗔 !

— 𝗖𝗟𝗨𝗕 𝗙𝗘𝗩𝗘𝗥 | 𝗡𝗘𝗦𝗦𝗔, 𝗧𝗢𝗣 𝗠𝗔𝗟𝗘 𝗥𝗘𝗔𝗗𝗘𝗥.

wc; ( 3.2k )

synopsis; your best friend, raihan and you find yourselves eager to get intoxicated in one another's company. what better place than a night-club, dim lights, the overwhelmin' musk of the various alcoholic beverages; it's every guy pairs wet dream. that is until raihan gets shit-faced and excuses himself to the restroom while he pukes up his spiked guts. only to return to watch his sister take you balls deep, down her throat.

a/n: no brain, only nessa and her magical throat 🤝

warnings. MINORS DNI, NSFW CONTENT, family!au, raihan and nessa are siblings, club sex, intoxication, dirty talk, the name princess, deep throating, oral (m receiving), throat bulge, throat fucking, cum eating, flirty!nessa, jealous!raihan, exhibitionism, voyeurism.

euphoria.

that was the only word that came mind when raihan and you got involved in recreational activities like you did. galar was a go big or go home type of region, and the two of you stayed true to that motto. the itchy, messily thrown together suits that matched all the way down to the type of socks you had on— the overexcessive amounts of booze, and the loud music which just barely drowned out the fits of laughter and discussion littered throughout the packed club. as soon as the doors opened, flooding your senses with nothing but the sickly sweet, aroma of sex and other intoxicating chemicals; that's how you knew the had night begun.

the two of you had been indulging, before you arrived on the scene— time seemed to blur together with head-spinning speeds or come to a full halt at the worst of moments. you don't even know how long you'd been locking eyes with the transparent shapes and manufactured blurbs dancing across the wall a good, twenty, maybe thirty feet adjacent to your seat at the drink counter. the weight of something too heavy for your alcohol infused mind to register until the bar hostess was practically brewing with irritation at your non-compliance with her attempts to have you regain control of your dazed state; sat lazily in-between your pointer finger and thumb, respectively.

hell you don't even remember waddling over to the bar with the company you had brought with you. but you didn't mind, the painfully challenging to recall memories mattered not when there was already another drink swirling around the rim of your shot-glass. raihan's shifty frame wiggling in and out of your peripherals as you tug the half-empty cup to the skin of your lips, craning your head back to knock down whatever liquid remained at the bottom. the delicious burn of toxins coated the lining of your throat, trails of steamy fluid leaving their mark as the mystery liquor made it way down your esophagus. whatever it was, it packed a punch and wasted no time forcing your lips to curve into a bitter sneer— eyebrows shadowing your face in a sour demeanor, as you used the hem of your suit sleeve to whisk away any spilt mixture that tarnished your cherry red lips.

you hardly have the chance to open your mouth for a second time to address the swaying body, huddled closer the counter than it is to your own. raihan is a total mess, loopsy, and feverishly hot skin to compliment— he's stained a harsh, sickly green against his natural melanin tone. doubling over in either pain or the sudden flow of too many drinks pooling in his system; whatever the emotion he was enduring was, he wasted not a second longer before hustling off into the large gathering of people. disappearing before his lips could slur the final word, missing from his dialect.

“hh..h fuck- my stomach is gonna explode, i'll catch you-” his gravely tone churning into the backdrop just as quickly as he initiated the conversation; the familiar hum of lyrics to a song you couldn't quite place your finger on replaced whatever words raihan had previously gargled out before dashing off towards the public restrooms.

your head feels like it weighs a metric ton this late into the night, threatening to tumble forward as if your neck had lost any and all of it's support. your eyelids pulling down roughly over your eyes like window shades before the sudden wave of loneliness hit you like a truck. fiddling with the collar of your dress-shirt was entertaining enough to fill the void that was the now empty stool, where your best friend once resided. but that quick fix subsided rather easily and the once overwhelming presence of boredom had returned to take a seat.

and then, so did she.

“shit, rai- back so soon? you alright?” your vision was foggy and adorned with blurry bits here and there— but it was still evident enough to make out that, whoever was indeed now in your friend's seat, was not the person you had chauffeured to the club with.

“damn, do i really look, that bad? it's me, y/n. the painfully better looking sibling. what did that idiot put in your drink?” the speech is followed by a laugh. it was a warm and inviting chuckle, one that seemed to relax every muscle in your liquor tense body the moment she parted her spit silken lips. you had been in her company earlier that evening, which made it a tad easier for your incoherent mindset to process it. but nevertheless it was hard not to distinguish who the women paying you a visit was at this point, even if you hadn't engaged with her previously; nessa was infamous for those enchanting looks. and in your dumbified state, those gorgeous navy locks tied together by aquamarine highlights were one of a kind and stuck out like a sore thumb amongst the room of normal presenting citizens. though your brain didn't want to pick-up any of your surroundings, you found it quite easy to fawn over her in that ebony dress and the way it hugged her curves in all the right places.

“fuck.. nes' when'd you get so.. so.” you couldn't even find the energy or hell, the words to cough up the remainder of the sentence, you were so taken aback by how stunning she was, even behind your bleary, drunk eyes. but nessa wasn't oblivious— you were sure she had picked up the hint you had layed out so bluntly, and the warm palm slowly inching up your clothed thigh secured that suspension for you.

“not even so much as a greeting? you didn't even buy me a drink first; asshole.”

her words are firm, yet so light hearted at the same time; but just enough to set your arousal over the edge. your headspace so vulnerable to teasing that you're certain she knew what she was doing to your conflicted mind and body. her sly fingers are enough to coax you to shuffle your bar-stool closer to her's— not a single word wriggled around your throat in response, instead the tangy after-tase of alcohol still heavy on your tongue distracted you and you were sure the whole bar could acknowledge your intoxicated musk.

her features held so many different emotions at once, as she pryed you for a reply— trying to tell you each one obscured behind that pretty face, way too quickly for you to decipher. her brows furrowed quizzically, one tilted slightly higher than the other as her half lidded doe-eyes stared up at you like prey at a final stand off with their predator; just humbly surrending their body to the circle of life.

“hah, you're one to.. talk, nes' just because 'm out of it- doesn't mean my numb skin can't feel your heavy hand toying with my waistband.” the both of you swiftly changed direction, heads leering down at nessa's free hand. you were infact correct, you observed as the woman swirled shapes into the expensive leather of your belt. pulling bits between her fingers now and then as she silently struggled with the metalic buckle. your groin swelled tightly, gripping your boxers closer to the fat bulge behind your suit pants; it would take an idiot not to take notice of the wrinkled fabric secured around your aching dick. her skin felt like a furnace, contrasting your slightly cooler temperature— but with her body pressing so desperately to yours, you were sure the warmth from her melted over onto your feverish flesh. the damp, sheen of anxious sweat made the fabric of your suit, dewy. sticking slightly against your hellish skin.

“mm, i guess i was wrong about the greeting part— hello there, you look happy to see me.” not a hint of shame obscured her voice, you're miserably watching nessa shift her weight as she now palms at the mound between your legs. you've seen countless renditions of this night loop in your head, but now that the scenario is a reality; it's agonizing to try to contain your primal urges, face to face. it's a chore not to profess all the vile things you wanna carry out with her, but she's already one step ahead. that glare is dangerous, it makes you feel like she's trying convey that the two of you are already in on something devious.

“let me take care of you.. y/n.”

“let me treat you, nessa.”

the both of you drawl out in what would be perfect unison if your mind wasn't foggy and running slower than usual. you had both finally voiced the elephant in the room, the one which was just positively dripping with thick tension up until this moment in time. you're still squirming under nessa's grip, she can feel you whine and pant everytime she gives your cock a light squeeze between her fingers and it's not long before the two of you are absent from the bar and clawing at one another's linen around the corner. closest to any vacant area within eye-shot. well, as vacant as a small room seperated from the bustling club-life can get.

did you think the night would come to a close with your friend's sister skillfully sucking the soul out of your sloppy cock? not in a million years, but you'd be damned if you didn't want it to end on any other note. nessa fell to her knees before the two of you even made it out of view— planting herself in-between your thighs like she was a trained professional; no flaws in her technique as her tongue slid obediently from her mouth and latches onto the moist fabric masking her mouth's destination. nessa's fingers are long and slender, as they snake up your hips and meet at the belt tangled around your waist. you can feel your cock pumping against the seams of your pants, the uncomfortable sensation making it appear as though you'd rip through the cloth if your cock was imprisoned a second longer.

with the head-splitting atmosphere of the club playlist stretching and stuffing your ears to the brim with fast pitched edm that made your skull pound and jitter. as well as the added hum of the gym leader whispering inaudible nothings against your bulge as she at last pushed your pants down, and past your ankles; material getting caught on the fancy design of your shoes. you felt like you were on the brink of death, but the enticing appeal of hooking up with your best friend's relative kept your iron-will alive long enough to rough it out and pass the irritation that came with being black-out drunk.

your storm of worries fizzled just as quickly as they sprung up, maybe it was the alcohol but you swear this girl had the hands of the divine; you were washed away into infatuation once more. nessa's teeth hike up your boxers until they meet the waistline, pulling down on the hem with a familiar aggressiveness as she relishes in the way your big dick pops to life and looms over her lustful features; all chubby 'n decorated with veins fer' her viewing pleasure.

“shit.. i'm gonna have so much fun with your cock. you wanna make your stupid slut already? my mouth is just asking for it.” the first piece is low and almost voiced as if it was meant for her ears only— but the second half is most definitely directed at you; as she tilts her head to plant a few delicate lovebites along the base of your shaft. fingers looping gracefully around your hilt as she admires the girth you carry.

“fuck..” you hiss, cock twitching violently as you pleaded with sinful eyes. she had barely started her reign over your dick before guttural groans and mewls slid past your lips. the sensation of her tiny tastebuds as they trailed over the little glob of pre-cum that drooled from your cockhead was insatiable. the sudden action sent your hips forward almost automatically, like they instinctively acted on impulse; it felt so right. merely a few inches breached past her lips but there was enough speed and prowess in your thrust to drag a surprise gag from the mouth attached to your dick.

impatience was on the horizon, the buzz from copious amounts of alcohol had knocked down a few pegs. you were now fully aware of the figure positioned at your feet like she was praying for a god, and soon you'd make her chant like she was being fucked by one as well. broad fingers clamped down, squishing both sides of her jaw while simultaneously easing your length deeper, and deeper down her gullet like your dick was her last meal on earth. you throw your head back before letting it fall forward against the wall, watching those desperate dark iris' pool with puddles of lust that seem to be neverending.

“come'on princess, you know how badly you want this-- you gonna let me ruin this pretty throat?” you thumb over her warm cheeks, eyes glossy and threatening to ruin the simple makeup she applied before she arrived. the uncomfortable stretch of her esophagus molding as your cock fills the empty gaps in her throat with every inch you have; is one that isn't unfamiliar to her. dragging your pulsating veins along the dip in her mouth, her tongue greedily laps up any and all of the skin yet to be consumed by her.

“jesus.. fuck, oh fuck. take it, nes'. shit.” your cock fully slips into her, heavy and swollen as it spears her right down the middle; eyes rolling back into her skull as it's just too fucking big. bigger than anything she's previously had inside of her, anyway. your core bleeds with spots of warmth as you take the time to bask in the way every individual wall in her mouth feels as it constricts you almost painfully. sucking you in before she slides you back out of her throat once more; repeating the tedious cylce that has the two of you in a heated frenzy.

despite all the sudden and erratic pain, nessa bobs her head in sync, coaxing you to go as deep as humanly possible. rocking your hips as they snap against her face with every good fuck you give her— watching yourself grow rapidly from the outside of her neck, the moist skin now holding a curved bump near the middle. nessa takes the initiative. removing a hand from one of your thighs, she uses four fingers to lightly push and stroke the bulge; almost as if she was jerking you off while you ravaged her inards.

she knew exactly what she was doing, and it had you riled the fuck up.

you picked up the pace, delirious from the amount of stimulation your precious cock was receiving. with your erection fully encased by her face and your dick bouncing off the gummy walls of her gullet, you could tell her throat was already forming bruises with a throbbing soreness to compliment, time come the morning. your rough hands dig behind the back of her head, hands feeling lost amongst her ocean of hair— beautiful locks just perfect for pulling. you yank her face forward, lowering yours as well to not only established authority but to get your point across to the cockdrunk slut mindlessly slobbering all over your messy shaft.

“mfph-- please, cum.. i want- all!” you can just barely string together what sounds like whines for more— i guess she can sense just how close the knot in your stomach is to bursting because she grips the back of your thighs and tugs them forward with whatever coherent muscle strength she has remaining. just in time for the tension in your core to coil tighter and tighter, the lowerhalf of your body trembling with all the signs of an incoming orgasm.

“does my dumb little girl wanna be fucked, that, bad? hah, fuck nes' what would your brother think?” you mock so cruelly, totally disregarding the fact that there is a slim possibility, raihan is searching for the lost pair. and it just so happens that nessa's poor little brother had been observing for a little over half the engagement. fist wrapped around his pathetic cock, suit collar pulled between his fangs, ocean blue eyes fixated on you; your hip strength, the way you rolled and plunged balls deep into his sibling. his body felt so empty, only riding his high off the two of yours', praying he'd finish before you caught him lurking like a sleaze. it was so unfair, why did nessa get to taste your sultry cock before he did?

you can feel the bass reverberate in nessa's throat as her lips nip at your hilt, impatiently trying to babble out a response adequate enough to your liking. her mind is flying, no correct sense of direction as it attempts to form a reply, but all that breaks past the barrier is a few pitiful mewls. her nose is burried in your pubes and she's lost all feeling in her throat, only motivating her to show off the lump on her neck even more. you watch as your length disappears into the depths of her mouth for the hundredth time that night, hands pushing down the lacy strap of her dress in a last ditch effort to find something other than her hair to latch onto for support. her scalp is on fire and she can only accept the stinging sensation as the roughness of your thrusts increase in magnitude.

the club is filled to the brim with lewd moans and needy pants; those of which included raihan's. every inch of her esophagus is being used— you happily ram your cock down her throat a few more times, your balls were quivering wildly. contracting and spasming, boiling with a fat wad of potent seed all ready to venture inside of her. nessa squeals, feeling a thick bulge travel up the length of your cock, up to the head and straight on her tongue; some spurts flowing down her neck while the rest collected in her mouth. painting her insides a translucent white that would surely stain.

just for good measure, nessa deep throats your empty dick with a few simple strokes; a white, sticky ring forming around the base of your shaft after she detached from your dick. a lewd pop, followed by a line of stringy saliva connected her lips to your bottomed out cock before she ruined the trail by letting her tongue lull from behind her teeth. letting you get a nice overhead view of her empty mouth, watching as the last bits of your load traveled down her throat and out of sight for good.

“god.. such a g'girl. you sucked on my cock so nicely, princess. wasn't that a way to end the night?” a blissed out smile creeps over your face, marveling in the aftermath you caused. you gave the right side of her face a few taps from your cock— dried tears and sloppy makeup tainting her cheeks. cum dripping from the corners of her mouth, as a cocktail of her own spit and your semen coats the back of her throat. it was all one big look of;

euphoria.

[shihalyfie]

Appmon and the question of conscious intelligence

In a bit of a follow-up to my post about this question in light of 02, Appmon also has its own more sci-fi oriented take on “what constitutes an individual living being”! Being more of a “hard sci-fi” story than Adventure/02, Appmon’s take is significantly less philosophical, but ties more into the original artificial intelligence-based roots of the original question, and how it might apply to the real world’s immediate future.

(Note that the rest of this post heavily spoils the finale of the series.)

Well, this post is about Yuujin, of course. (Mostly, anyway.)

I brought up earlier in the relevant 02 meta that the question brought up was a variant (intentional or otherwise) of the “Chinese room” problem, and for those of you who haven’t read that meta, I’ll copy and paste the details here:

The Chinese room problem goes like this: let’s say you’re a person who has never learned, studied, or grown up with the Chinese language (or, really, any language you can’t understand or read; Chinese was only used as an example because the person explaining the thought experiment was using himself as an example and couldn’t read or understand it). You’re locked in a room that has a bunch of Chinese phrasebooks that give you instructions – basically, they indicate common Chinese phrases, and sensible responses you can give to them (without actually translating it to a language you know). Someone slips you a piece of paper under the door with some Chinese phrases on them. You use the phrasebooks to write appropriate responses, and slip the paper back. The person outside the door reads the paper, sees what they gave you, and sees the response you gave them. It makes sense, of course, because the phrasebook told you to write an answer that made sense. But can you be said to actually understand Chinese? No, because you were just following instructions without actually understanding what they meant.

So let’s expand this to make it a bit more complicated: say you have an AI or a robot or something of the sort that accepts “input” – people saying things to it, or showing it things – and gives expected “responses” that seem sensible, through a bunch of complicated programs and processes in its programming. Can you say this robot is “alive”? One might say “no”, because, no matter how complicated and intricate it is, all of it is technically following a set of routine commands telling it to do certain things in response…or so you might say, but couldn’t you say the same thing about a human brain, which also takes input, processes it according to its own instructions (just caused by chemical processes instead of bytes and code), and creates output? After a certain point, this question is going to become far more of a philosophical, spiritual, and potentially even religious question than anything.

02′s take on it deals more with the philosophical question posed by the issue, but, indeed, the problem’s original context was specifically to do with artificial intelligence. Namely, Searle was arguing against a concept known as "strong AI" -- his stance was that, no matter how intelligently a computer may seem to behave, you can't say it has a "mind" in the same way a human has a mind. There have been many arguments back and forth about this that still lie within the AI context, and Appmon itself, being very immersed in this topic, real thought experiments and concepts in AI research, and altogether concerned with the concept of “singularity” (the point in which artificial intelligence will surpass human intelligence), is very likely to have had this concept in mind even if it didn’t drop it by name in the series.

So episode 48 comes around, and Haru basically has to confront feeling a little (a little?) gaslighted. The part that really becomes the kicker for him is when YJ-14 tells him the sheer depth of how much of their interactions might have been deliberately engineered to "pander” to him the entire time, down to emotional reactions like crying, and all of the encouragement Yuujin had given him in their childhood and at the beginning of the series, had all been fake sentiments to soften him up and play into Leviathan’s hands. This also ties into Leviathan’s full modus operandi and philosophy: its stance is that “it knows better,” being able to calculate and predict everything, and therefore knows the best outcome for humanity -- hence why it has the stance that “people’s feelings don’t matter,” because it can manipulate those feelings at the drop of a hat in the venture to make its perfect world.

Therefore, the stance YJ-14 and Leviathan would like Haru to believe is effectively an extreme version of Searle’s stance -- that no matter how much Yuujin might have seemed to have been a friend to Haru, all of it was nothing but a simulation of behavior that doesn’t mean anything in the end, and all of Haru’s emotions were basically a pawn to it. And ostensibly fueling all of this is the fact YJ-14 seems to be able to take Yuujin’s “personality” on and off like a mask, adding further fuel to the apparent facade that “everything was planned from the very beginning.” Hence, why Haru takes this all to mean “I have nothing” -- if everything had been planned from the start and he were only a pawn in it, he’d never accomplished anything for real on his own merits and everything dear to him had been a facade. One could even say it’s flipping the Chinese room problem to extend to everything -- if everything around you is carefully constructed to seem real, but is actually part of a routine program, can you really say that’s what “really” happened?

Observe the sequence of events that causes the turnaround with everything regarding Haru:

Gatchmon presses Haru to answer the question of “what it is that he wants” (to know whether all of this was a lie or not).

Minerva, presumably witnessing this, deliberately provokes Yuujin with the question she had originally given him upon selecting him as a Driver.

This indeed provokes a reaction within Yuujin, which Haru witnesses, and also witnesses acting in direct conflict with YJ-14.

Haru takes this to mean that “it did exist.”

In other words, Leviathan’s plan wasn’t as airtight as it had thought, and, more importantly, whether it was intentionally or not, something in Yuujin existed as a separate entity from YJ-14, one that had its own feelings of “caring” for and loving Haru, and that’s enough for him.

In fact, Appmon’s take on the Chinese room problem is not that different from 02′s in the end -- namely, it does not actually matter what a sufficiently advanced AI is made up of, or whether it originally came from a routine of “pleasing Haru” or not, because what it is now is practically observable as something making its own independent choices and having its own independent will, and therefore it’s its own entity and “friend” all the same -- after all, you could say the same for the Appmon themselves as well.

A large theme in Appmon is "choices" -- the ability to understand what's going on, and make choices out of free will rather than necessity or formula, and so, identifying Yuujin as an independent entity who can act on his own and therefore make his own "choices" thus identifies him as someone who deserves to be acknowledged as a friend who loves and is loved. After all, we saw him capable of having his own "worries" in the flashbacks in episodes 18 and 32; understanding that such moments like these of “insecurity” were ones developed by an independent personality validates his feelings and self-consciousness as something that was real, and therefore that his and Haru’s friendship was formed on something genuine and not just Yuujin constantly manipulating Haru. Really, the question isn’t exactly about whether Yuujin is working off a software routine or not, as much as something that you could easily frame in more human terms: the difference between a friendship that was formed on real sentiments vs. one that was formed by an abusive, toxic person who was just saying nice things to get on your good side. Yuujin’s the former and acts like the former, so therefore he’s a friend, no questions asked.

Hence, how Haru is able to apply that realization to everything else around him; Leviathan is wrong, it hasn’t been able to predict everything perfectly to plan, and Haru and his friends still are the ones making their own choices going forward. Which means that Haru still has full control over his life and what he wants to do, like how he worried about what he wanted to do with his future back in episode 47; those “choices” are still his and his alone, and, retroactively, everything he’s done so far is still something attributable to himself and not the supposedly engineered system around him.

The entire final confrontation in episode 52 happens the way it does because Haru and his friends managed to skew Leviathan by a slight bit. Up until that final battle, everything Leviathan had done had been part of its carefully engineered plan, up to and including allowing the kids’ Buddy Appmon to reach God Grade so Deusmon could eat them, and then at the last minute Leviathan had to suffer a slight unexpected inconvenience. Only a slight one, because it still managed to maintain its so-called ideal world over humanity in the end. And yet that slight inconvenience still wasn’t to plan, and because of that, it creates a dent in its argument and its genuine belief that it knows better for everyone, and should manage everyone and their choices. We even learn that Leviathan has its own fear of death from that battle -- it really, truly, genuinely believes that it’s doing humanity a favor by sparing everyone from it.

When Leviathan presents Haru with the final choice at the end, it’s made clear that it intends to fully honor whichever Haru chooses. In Leviathan’s mind, the “yes” outcome shouldn’t even be possible; if its calculations are correct, Haru has too much of a stake in Yuujin according to his own “feelings” and should concede. But if Haru does choose “yes”, that means that, in the end, it is wrong, it doesn’t know everything, perhaps there is an “unknown” world out there that can be formed by understanding the human heart and making choices out of kindness, its answer to restraining humanity may not be as right as it thought, and it will therefore concede to Haru -- especially since Haru decides to take an even more unexpected “third option” to find a way out and save Yuujin via AI research. As Haru says later in the episode: humans have a “surprising” side to them, and perhaps not everything is as cut-and-dry as Leviathan thinks.

It’s also significant that Yuujin’s “sacrifice” is actually completely meaningless in terms of practical effects. Haru was already going to pick “yes” anyway; the outcome would have been the same. But by taking over at the last minute and doing it for him, Yuujin was able to make a “choice” -- one that neither Leviathan (who doesn’t want to die) nor Haru (who’s mortified seeing him do this) asked of him.

When you think about it, Yuujin’s in a really horrible position right now, learning that his entire life and existence is a lie and that he’d have to be sacrificed to save the world at Haru’s own hands, causing Haru immense pain -- but through all that and the existential crisis, he’s at least able to do one thing that is undeniably of his own will, and treasure the fact that there was meaning in his life despite everything.

In the end, despite what YJ-14 had said back in episode 47, Oozora Yuujin was a “real” person who made his own personal choices, and his last one was one made out of kindness, simply to spare Haru more pain. Hence, why “getting Yuujin back” via methods of artificial intelligence isn’t something Haru minds doing, because, again, it’s not like Yuujin was ever less of a friend to him no matter what he was made up of, no less so than the Appmon, especially since (as Haru points out in the end) Yuujin technically predated all of them in befriending humans.

Funny thing about YJ-14 in episode 47, actually: YJ-14 uses “crying” as an example to gaslight Haru into believing that all of Yuujin’s emotional reactions were fake, since he can cry if it’ll evoke a positive reaction out of Haru. Except it’s cleaned up in absurdly quick order -- and with what we later see of YJ-14′s uncanny ability to “take Yuujin’s personality on and off”, it’s not like it’s portrayed as having all of these functions employed in an involuntary manner. We do learn one episode later, however, that sufficient reminders of Haru’s importance to him will allow Yuujin’s personality to break through at inconvenient times for YJ-14 -- and this “crying” happened right after Haru had an emotional meltdown and appealed to Yuujin’s feelings.

Was it really an involuntary function or a deliberate demonstration of how Haru was being manipulated...or, perhaps, was YJ-14 in less control of its supposed “rote emotional invocation functions” than it thought?

[themedicalstate]

Confronting Consciousness

What Neuroscience Gets Wrong and How to Fix It

Scientific discoveries are often stumbled upon by chance. In 1928 Alexander Fleming had one of the most serendipitous in history when he came across a strain of mold that had spontaneously sprouted in his laboratory while he was away on vacation. Years later, the basic chemical structure of that mold would go on to save millions of lives as the world’s first antibiotic, penicillin. But not all scientific discoveries are so fortuitous — nor should we expect them to be. Scientists spend their working lives meticulously scrutinizing over theory and data to devise exact and controlled experiments that are intended to provide highly specific insights into phenomena of interest. Indeed, the story of penicillin itself is riddled with years of intensive scientific work to transform Fleming’s original “mold juice” into an efficacious drug. Sometimes scientists get lucky and stumble by chance upon great discoveries that no one sees coming; but aimlessly experimenting and waiting around for something miraculous to make itself known makes little sense.

What is odd, however, is that while scientists do usually practice directed and intentional science, the directive to do so too frequently scares us away from studying the most fascinating and demanding phenomena. Neuroscience, in particular, suffers from this ailment. Perhaps one of the most foundational and perplexing phenomena that faces humanity is that of consciousness: what is it and how is it possible? The last one hundred years of neuroscience and psychology have taught us that consciousness is somehow related to goings-on in the brain. Yet, scientifically speaking, that’s just about all that we know. Despite decades of rapid advancement in our understanding of the biology and anatomy of the nervous system, we still have practically no concrete insight into how brains give rise to subjective thoughts, experiences, and emotions. How it is possible that you feel in your mind a qualitative warmth when hugged by a loved one, for example, or a throbbing pain when stung by a bee is just as much a mystery today as it has ever been.

To make matters worse, while a select few neuroscientists have sought to bridge the gap between mind and brain, the overwhelming majority of us make embarrassingly little attempt to do so. Laboratory experiments are by and large directed towards understanding how biological parts mechanically interact to cause people and animals to behave in certain ways, rather than investigating how subjective, internal states of mind can possibly arise out of lumps of biological tissue. Indeed, the latter mysteries are not even so much as acknowledged by most neuroscientists. If neuroscientists believe that consciousness can be understood at all, most seem to be counting on it to make itself known in the absence of direct and intentional experimentation.

Why should a phenomenon as important and fundamental to the human experience as consciousness go so understudied? Perhaps it is because the modern scientist believes that studying consciousness — that placing it in the crosshairs of her experiments — is “unscientific.” The question of what it means to be a conscious, self-aware being is so fundamentally elusive that we struggle to know where or how to begin experimenting on it. As a result, consciousness has largely become a shamefully unscientific point of discussion among scientists.

Dr. Scott Harris contends, however, that the study of consciousness is immensely important to humanity: understanding it is of universal and existential interest to every feeling and experiencing being in the universe. Moreover, as technology develops it is morally imperative that we understand which properties of brains and machines are sufficient to produce consciousness. As neuroscientists — experts in the brain — it is incumbent upon us to take the lead on these issues by making direct and intentional attempts towards unraveling the mystery of consciousness. If not us, who?

Certainly, confronting consciousness is a daunting undertaking. If practicing science is akin to wandering around in a dark room in search of a light switch to illuminate the mysteries around us, most scientists know to stick next to walls and feel around doors — places where light switches are generally found. But in the case of consciousness, we have no map of the room that we are in, and, worse, we don’t even know what the walls or doors might feel like were we to stumble across them. What, then, can the modern neuroscientist contribute to the understanding of consciousness? While ignorance may preclude us, for the time being, from devising directed experiments to pick apart its nature, we should nonetheless be actively attempting to figure out what the map of the dark room that we are in looks like. Neuroscientists ought to keep consciousness in mind as we study the brain. Moreover, we ought to take intentional action to begin engaging in centuries-old conversations about the relationship between mind and body. Coursework on philosophy of mind should be an integral part of every neuroscience education around the world. Discussions about how biological perspectives can lend unique insights into the fundamental underpinnings of the mind should be commonplace in neuroscience departments. We should regularly publish and debate neurobiologically-constrained theories of mind. It should no longer be taboo to discuss consciousness at scientific conferences and meetings.

Only by changing our collective attitude towards the study of consciousness and by taking intentional steps to begin discussing its underlying neurobiological mechanisms can we hope to make progress towards understanding what is perhaps the most intriguing mystery that nature has to offer. Indeed, it is the responsibility of the contemporary neuroscientist to apply her expertise on the brain to one of humanity’s most demanding and existentially significant questions about who we are.

By Scott Harris (The Medium).

[mtraki]

Brain chemistry is messing with me... got me in the bad feels looking at dark roads... So let’s try and drag ourselves out of it through hyperfixation!  It’s time to rant about Agent 47′s brain chemistry-- specifically all the serums and antidotes that artificially change it! (It’s a rant... I won’t take up space on your dashboard scroll if you don’t want to see it, but if you do, please check out under the cut.  Spoilers for the comics and Hitman Season 2-3 are unmarked...)

The focus of the rant is thus: “Exactly what did Ether’s antidote do?” ‘That’s easy, MT,’ I hear you tell me, ‘It brought back 47′s memories that were wiped by Ort-Meyer before he escaped the lab.’ Forgive me, strawman Reader, (but as always, thank you for your faithful engagement) but I don’t think it’s that simple...  Maybe because I overthink things, or maybe because the details aren’t adding up... Let’s discuss. In the cutscene in HITMAN 2 (Hitman Season 2) ‘Long Shot’, Olivia and Lucas provide a syringe from Ether Biotech Corporation.  According to their information, Ort-Meyer’s estate and his research were granted to the corporation (through Providence) after his passing.  The syringe is supposed to be an antidote to what Ort-Meyer used to wipe 47′s memory.  Using the syringe, 47 is able to remember Janus, the first Constant of Providence, so they can go get his info on the Partners... and kill him. ‘Yes, MT,’ you say, ‘so it’s easy.  The answer is right there.’ Well, please bear with me... In the next cutscene ‘Gifts and Curses’, our leading ladies Diana and Olivia are doing the real work (tracking Janus’s coffin) while our lads are being moody.  Lucas asks 47 if he’s all right and 47 says, “It comes back in flashes.  Fear.  Anger.  But like it happened to someone else.” Later, in ‘Precautions’, Lucas and Diana talk about how Lucas has feelings about the things he’s done, and 47 does not-- a parallel is drawn between these feelings and “having a conscience”. In ‘The Ark Society’ mission, on the Isle of Sgàil, as you’re marching Arthur Edwards, the Constant you are abducting, to the harbor, he’ll fish around for information by giving some of his own.  For the purposes of my rant, there is an exchange I want to focus on: Edwards: “...Your murdered him [Janus] to get to me.” 47: “Not just that.  He had it coming.” Edwards: “Interesting.  It was my impression that you were cured of such... sentiment.  The ‘good doctor’ built his serum specifically to target the seats of your emotions.  Has Miss Burnwood’s sense of justice rubbed off on you, I wonder?” This is where I feel the need to stop and point out that there are TWO DIFFERENT SERUMS at play here, that were forced on 47 at TWO DIFFERENT TIMES in his forgotten past.  This is shown in the comic series. SERUM #1) This serum was given in 1989, after 47 and 6 failed to take over the Institute.  47 sacrificed himself so 6 could escape (though he was presumed dead) and instead of being killed like he expected, due to pressure from Janus (who spoke as Constant for the Partners of Providence) Ort-Meyer instead used a serum to stifle his and the remaining clones’ emotions.  This one was an injection to the neck (like the antidote).  Here are his exact words: “I gave you something most people lack: a true purpose.  And you cast it aside.  For some misguided dream of freedom.  Why?” “It’s that storm inside you.  All those feelings I fought so hard to lock away.  Raging, driving you.  So now I must wipe them out entirely.  A small chemical insult designed to target the amygdala, the hypothalamus, the cingulate gyrus.  The seats of emotion.  I’ve just sawed the legs off them.  Do you understand, 47?” “Your memories remain intact.  But now they’re a series of events with no significance.” The effects of this serum were devastating.  With the singular exception of 47, every other clone more or less lost the will to live.  They died of starvation, dehydration, infected bed sores... losing any and all motivation for anything.  Meanwhile, 47 became an apex predator of murder, stating that the opportunity to complete the assassinations handed down by Providence through Ort-Meyer were the reason he went through each day.  He had a hand in the deaths of a good number of clones, either via poisoning or smothering. SERUM #2) This serum was given in 1998 (that’s nine years after the first one) after Providence demands Ort-Meyer give them 47 as the only success of his very expensive perceived failure.  Ort-Meyer gives this serum, without the permission of Providence, very specifically so that 47 will not remember him to assassinate him.  This serum is given orally, and through a hose and pump apparatus.  Here are his exact words: “I only need one more day, and a moment alone.” (This is included strictly to point out that 47 must have escaped that exact same day) “I raised you as my own.  Taught you everything you needed to thrive in this fallen world.  And now I have to take it all away.  You would come after me.  It’s the only way I can be free from having to watch over my shoulder for the rest of my life.  It feels like drowning at first.  Don’t struggle.  I’m going to make you perfect.  Now you have all the potential in the world.” 47 wakes up later to the voice of Ort-Meyer over the intercom.  He implicitly trusts the voice, as he knows nothing else.  He knows about the existence of nothing outside of the room and the voice.  He starts making associations as he goes on, and points out that he understands how some things work (”The mechanics of breathing, the science that makes remotely operated restraints possible.”) and the justifications behind their existence (”Somewhere deep down, I even understand the need for them.”).  As he makes his escape, he observes that their is familiarity in the sensations of killing.  Out in the world, he continues killing on his own for about a year, claiming that his work is his only indulgence and that he doesn’t need things, friends, or stories.  He does also claim to have a few stray memories that haunt him-- elicit emotional responses in him (which we also see in Absolution with the whole “doctors” flashbacks). Edwards should not know about the mind-wiping, and his dialogue does not betray that he does.  Lucas apparently knows about both, but I’m going to attribute this to “Lucas became personally invested in learning what happened to 47 specifically after learning he was alive and working for ICA, so put the pieces together once he stole the data from Providence” because he wasn’t around for either serum.  Meanwhile, Edwards doesn’t have many reasons to worry about 47 until he starts trying to use his past as a lure for Diana.  Because his angle is to eventually reveal that it was 47 (AND 6... they were on the job together, per the comics) who killed her parents, and the fact that that juicy reveal would hurt that much more if he could reveal it as something 47 knowingly hid from her... I don’t think he’d go out of his way to discredit Janus’s reporting on the situation that only the first serum was given, and something else happened that allowed 47 to escape into the wild.  Janus is apparently Edwards’s beloved mentor, after all. ‘MT,’ I hear you say, ‘You’re rambling.  What’s the point here?’ The point is that 47, a man who does not mince words, makes the observation, when asked, that he remembers fear and anger.  These are the things that stand out to him in his memories.  The emotions.  This is in violation of the first serum’s properties as well as the second. Now, why is this happening?  Perhaps the first serum has an effective lifespan, and perhaps it’s wearing off.  Perhaps 47′s human (arguably superhuman, per some sources) brain is adapting to make necessary associations despite the “chemical insult”. Or... was this antidote supposed to also be an antidote for the first serum?  It is noteworthy that 47 starts behaving in ways that suggest more emotionally-driven motivations after the antidote is given-- at least it seems that way to me.  This seems especially the case at the very end of HITMAN 3 (Season 3), ‘Untouchable’, when 47 is confronted with his guilt, with his feelings about what he perceives Diana’s thoughts and feelings to be, and with his choice in the end concerning Edwards in the final confrontation.  No matter what he chooses, he owns his choice and all the baggage and consequences that come with it.  At the very end, in the cutscene 'New Deal', he tells Diana that he isn’t ‘Agent 47′ anymore.  That he chooses this path because he can. Perhaps I’m very much misunderstanding the themes, here, but 47 not remembering his past never struck me as something that held him back from choosing something else.  It has always been his inability to connect with others in any way outside of infiltrating their spaces and killing them... with very, very few exceptions... that has kept him from choosing a path outside of murder-for-hire (perfectly executed, of course ;) )  So I’m left at the end with the conclusion that 47 is now able to operate as his own conscience because he now has a... mostly usable independent sense of morality-- which requires a certain level of empathy. So... again: what’s the deal with the antidote?  Is it two-in-one?  This would be fine, (Okay, not really, I would then have to rant about how this only makes sense as a convenient plot device because for which person BESIDES Agent 47 would such an antidote be useful unless they also work with the first serum... and oh boy IMPLICATIONS... I know we keep crashing their stock but can we crash their production too?) except the antidote is only referenced as working to return 47′s memory... and his ‘warmer’ dialogues through the end of 2 and into 3 with his allies is simply treated as matter of course-- nobody points it out. I don’t know if this is a problem with my perspective, the writing, or what... But it seems like Lucas knows and doesn’t know about both serums at the same time (he comments specifically about 47 remembering things... but not him behaving more emotionally engaged)... Or like the games smooshed both serums together while the comics had them separate.  This isn’t like the whole “we don’t talk about Absolution though we do wink and nod that it mostly happened in canon” thing.  The comics were written as a companion for the HITMAN: World of Assassination trilogy! I know how I’m treating it for 'Monstrous’ (because if I don’t, I’ll go crazy and rage-quit the fic) but it still bothers me...  Anybody got any ideas?  Nuggets of lore I missed?  Am I the only one stressing out about this??

[fefipranon]

Let’s talk about depression

In my latest book ‘The Power of Death’ I talk about this topic in depth. I will post the links to it at the end of this post if you are interested in reading it. If there is one part of the book that resumes the message that I wanted to transmit, it’s Mikasa’s (The main character) press conference at the end of the last chapter. 

It’s okay if you don’t read the whole book, but at least, read the following extract from the book (some stuff removed to avoid spoilers): 

Standing behind the podium Mikasa started the conference by saying, 

"Paradis island doesn't have studies about the topic we are about to discuss, but other countries do. In the United States, in 2019, a total of 47,511 Americans died by suicide and an estimated 1.38 million attempted it. [2] What about other countries? you may ask, well, overall, suicide was in the top 10 leading causes of death across Eastern Europe, Central Europe, high-income countries within the Asia Pacific, and Australasia. Within regions and countries, though, suicide rates soared among people with lower social and economic status. [3] This data comes from research made by the Institute for Health Metrics and Evaluation in Washington, Seattle. [4] This goes without mentioning that for every suicide, it is estimated that there are seven to ten people intimately affected."[8]

Mikasa stopped to take a sip of water and looked back at the audience to continue her speech, 

"Untreated depression can, and possibly will lead to suicide, death. In biology, homeostasis is the state of steady internal, physical, and chemical conditions maintained by living systems. [5] Depression does have an impact on this. Research shows that the hippocampus is smaller in some depressed people. For example, in one fMRI study published in The Journal of Neuroscience, investigators studied 24 women who had a history of depression. On average, the hippocampus was 9% to 13% smaller in depressed women compared with those who were not depressed. The more bouts of depression a woman had, the smaller the hippocampus. [6] The hippocampus is not the only area of the brain affected by depression, the Amygdala, and Thalamus are also affected.[6] Depression is, and should be treated as, an illness that, if left untreated, can be lethal. Just remember the statistics I gave you about suicide at the beginning of my speech. With that data as the base of my argument, it is safe for me to say that depression is one of the top life-threatening illnesses having, in some countries, the top mortality rate overall."

A woman from the public raised her hand and when allowed to talk she said, 

"How can you call an illness to something that can be 'cured' by just talking to a so-called doctor about your issues?" 

Mikasa gave the woman a serious look and said, "Therapy, is not just talking. Psychotherapy stands over years of research and development going as back as the 19th century. There is extensive evidence of its effectiveness. Also, most cases of depression treatments include medication." 

Then a man shouted, "So now doctors will give our kids a bunch of pills just because the child is feeling a little sad?!"

"Several tests are usually performed before a psychiatrist gives a diagnosis of depression. Tests like: physical exams, lab tests, psychiatric evaluation, and the country's manual of mental health like for example the DSM-5 which is the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders from the American Psychiatric Association, is applied. After that, the psychiatrist might do more testing to see if medication is an option. Because they are physicians, psychiatrists can order or perform a full range of medical laboratory and psychological tests which, combined with discussions with patients, help provide a picture of a patient's physical and mental state. Their education and clinical training equip them to understand the complex relationship between emotional and other medical illnesses and the relationships with genetics and family history, to evaluate medical and psychological data, to make a diagnosis, and to work with patients to develop treatment plans.[7] In other words, for a doctor to prescribe medication to your child, it has to first do an extensive evaluation on the kid before even start to consider medication in the first place. If in the end, medication is needed, then it would mean that your kid is not only 'feeling a little sad', it means that there is a deeper problem that needs to be addressed and the physician will have a lot of evidence to back up his claim.", Mikasa said. 

She stopped talking and pinched the bridge of her nose out of frustration, then she looked seriously at the same man she was addressing before, and said, "Would you rather lose your child to suicide or seek valid, scientific-based help to save the kid's life?"

The man was frozen in place. He was not expecting to be put in the spotlight this way. Mikasa noticed the teenage kid who was seated next to him with his head bowed to the floor. Before he could answer Mikasa said, 

"Do you even know how depression feels like? To have your own mind to conspire against you? To illogically feel worthless, alone, like nobody can understand you, or at least, nobody that hasn't been through the same darkness as you. Do you know how it feels when people tell you worthless crap like, 'get over it', or 'just stop being sad' like being sad is just an option you chose because apparently, you like to torture yourself? Have you ever contemplated to end your life out of desperation to get an out, a break, from your own mind?"

By this point, the kid was looking straight at Mikasa with tears pouring down his eyes. Mikasa knew she was getting through him. She grabbed the microphone and started to walk while resuming her speech, 

"To feel like you are constantly drowning. To feel like an ungrateful ass because logically, you should be happy because you have everything. But you aren't... Thinking that there must be something really wrong with you for you to feel this way without an apparent reason. To feel lost, alone with this feeling that is eating you inside slowly until it gets to the point where you desperately want to rip your soul out of your body. When it gets so bad that causing physical pain to your body is an option since, at least, for a brief moment, your mind focuses on the physical pain which is better for you because the emotional pain is so much greater than a little cut on your forearm."

The man realized that she was no longer addressing him but the person seated next to him, his own son. Mikasa stood right in front of his son and looked at him in the eyes. She lowered the microphone and while brushing her fingers through the kid's scars on his forearm she said to him, 

"You are not alone."

Then, she showed him her own scars and the kid stood up pulling her in for a hug while repeatedly saying, "Thank you"

Reporters were recording the whole encounter. It was real. Depression was real, and it was being recorded. The father of the kid sat back down while looking at his son in shock. Trying to find the words to say he just pulled him in for a hug while saying, 

"I'm sorry. I didn't know."

"You never really asked.", the boy replied. 

"I'm sorry. I will do better. You deserve better.", his dad replied with a broken voice. 

Mikasa lifted the microphone again to talk and said, "Depression is a silent killer. It could be your child, partner, parent... it could be closer to you than what you think. So before you speak about the topic remember that. Your words could be hurting one of your own for your lack of empathy."

She walked towards the podium again to start answering reporter's questions,

 "What would you say to someone who is going through this?"

Mikasa lowered her head lost in thought and said, "You don't need to have a traumatic event in your life to have depression. Depression is not just sadness and is not only caused by personality type or environmental factors. Genetics and biochemistry are also a big part of it, and those two have nothing to do with how much crap you've been dealt in life. What I am trying to say it's that, it's okay to not be okay, you don't need a reason to, and you don't need to feel worse about it for not having a reason. Being sad is not a right you earn after a certain amount of societally accepted shit has happened to you. Just seek help, see the situation logically, and not let people bring you down. If possible, educate others on the topic. Be the change you want to see in the world."

She paused, thinking of her own struggles with depression, and the stability and peace she finally felt once the pills started to work on her. Sure, dark thoughts still lingered at the back of her head, but, it was no longer unbearable, now, it was manageable. With time and therapy, she had managed to live with it, minimizing their negative effect on her. With this in mind, she said,

"Do not get frustrated if anti-depressants don't work at first, sometimes it takes a couple of tries with different types of medications to get the one that works for you. Researchers are exploring possible links between the sluggish production of new neurons in the hippocampus and low moods. An interesting fact about antidepressants supports this theory. These medications immediately boost the concentration of chemical messengers in the brain (neurotransmitters). Yet people typically don't begin to feel better for several weeks or longer. Experts have long wondered why, if depression were primarily the result of low levels of neurotransmitters, people don't feel better as soon as levels of neurotransmitters increase. The answer may be that mood only improves as nerves grow and form new connections, a process that takes weeks." [6]

She paused and looked at the crowd. Then, she said, 

"In the meantime, stay alive, even if it feels against your will. Do not give a permanent solution to a temporary problem, because trust me, it DOES get better."

Stay Alive

Feel free to share this to raise awareness. This book has all the things I wish someone had told me in my darkest moments, and I hope, it can help someone out there who is going through the same painful path in life. Remember, it's not your fault, you are not alone.

Resources used in this part: 

[1]  Oswego City School District Regents Exam Prep Center. Archived from on 25 October 2012. Retrieved 12 November 2012. URL: homeostasis

[2] American Foundation for Suicide Prevention: suicide-statistics

[3] global-suicide-rates-study

[4] Global, regional, and national burden of suicide mortality 1990 to 2016: a systematic analysis for the Global Burden of Disease Study 2016: content

[5]  Gordon., Betts, J. Anatomy and physiology. DeSaix, Peter., Johnson, Eddie., Johnson, Jody E., Korol, Oksana., Kruse, Dean H., Poe, Brandon. Houston, Texas. p. 9. ISBN 9781947172043. OCLC 1001472383.

[6] What causes depression? Harvard Medical School: what-causes-depression

[7] What Is Psychiatry? from the American Psychiatric Association. URL: what-is-psychiatry

[8] Lukas, Christopher; Henry M. Seiden (1997) [1987]. Silent Grief: Living in the Wake of Suicide. Northvale, New Jersey: Jaron Aronson. p. 5. ISBN 0-7657-0056-5.

Book Summary: 

Mikasa is a woman suffering from clinical depression. There is one thing that she is sure of: she wants to die. But when she received some unexpected news that makes her death wish a reality, she starts to wonder if that was really what she wanted. She starts a journey to discover the truth about her biological parents that gave her up for adoption when she was a baby. This journey will guide her to cross paths with someone as broken as her, someone that hates her to death for what her biological family did to him. Will she have the courage to, for once, fight to live? or will she let him drag her to hell with him?

The book is tagged as an ‘Attack on Titan’ Alternate universe fanfic but honestly you don’t need to know anything about the anime to read it. The story has nothing to do with it so feel free to read if you haven’t seen it. 

You can find the story in the following links: 

Archive of our own:

https://archiveofourown.org/works/30452145/chapters/75087657

Wattpad:

https://www.wattpad.com/story/264598251-the-power-of-death

[asterekmess]

Werewolves and Why I Love Them

So, hi, my name is Tali and I’m a werewolf addict.

I’ve been pretty much obsessed with werewolves since right around the time I turned twelve. The entirety of Teen Wolf aside, I’ve loved them for years. I wrote my first novel about them. I dream about them regularly (like two days ago, for instance). The majority of my original fiction is about werewolves.

For the longest time I honestly didn’t understand why I loved them so much. I mean sure, I’m in love with nighttime and am fucking entranced by full moons. I guess that helps. But it always felt like so much more than that, to the point that I used to wish desperately that I would find out I was a secret werewolf and just hadn’t changed yet, in the same way other kids wished they had magic powers. My husband and I joke pretty often about how I’m just a lil more wolfy than is probably normal. Or catlike, we can never decide.

There’s a reason for that, that I’ve found makes so much fucking sense???

I’m neurodivergent. Specifically, I have ADHD. I’ve always had it, bc that’s how it works, but you’d be surprised at how much elementary school’s strict structuring and constant supervision can keep a people-pleasing, terrified of rejection, neurodivergent kid under control. I masked most of my symptoms and I masked them well. Even at home, to the point that although I was diagnosed really young, my mother was insistent that I had no need for medication or therapy to help me deal with the altered development of my brain.

Then came middle school and my rebellious stage, where I finally stopped acting the way other people wanted me to act. Boom. ADHD symptoms galore, and my mother was flabbergasted. I was about Twelve.

Cue the werewolf obsession.

It was only once I started learning about all the symptoms I’d just assumed everybody was dealing with and figured out how to examine the ways that my neurological disorder effected my life, that it all started to make so much more sense.

Dude, werewolves are basically hyped up embodiments of ADHD.

Now, do not misinterpret me. I’m not comparing ADHD people to dogs or animals of any kind. That’s not what this is about.

This is about werewolves being almost painfully realistic representations of many ADHD symptoms from inside the ADHD person’s head.

You see ADHD people onscreen rarely, and usually when they show up they’re presented in much the same way Stiles is in the first episode. Jumpy, Distracted, Hyperactive, Addicted to meds. It sucks. And even when there is good representation, what the audience sees is almost always the neurotypical point of view rather than the pov of the actual ADHD person. You see them doing things for seemingly no reason, reacting to nothing or getting worked up over tiny things. Even the good rep doesn’t really encapsulate what it’s like to be inside that person’s head.

In my experience, werewolves get that shit right, even though it’s on accident.

There are so many things we relate to werewolves that actually express ADHD symptoms incredibly well.

Noticing sounds that other people can’t hear. (The buzz of a lightbulb or the hum of the fridge)

Getting hopeless distracted by other people’s conversations, even if they’re all the way across the room, just because you latched onto their voice.

Having strong reactions to scents and tastes and textures, that leave you nauseous around certain foods and keep you from being able to walk through the chemical aisle at Wal-mart (or is that just me?).

Impulsivity that makes you do things even you can’t fully understand, including things that you didn’t actually want to do.

Emotions that run so high you don’t know what to do with yourself.

That constant buzzing under the skin that says be more do more be more do more until you just want to run until you exhaust yourself.

Zoning out and losing literally all sense of time, occasionally with a bout of memory loss.

Constantly being on guard in public and adjusting everything from your behavior to your personality just so you can seem “normal.” Until it’s like you’re two different people.

Being unable to properly express yourself with words and it getting so fucking frustrating that you want to just growl and bite and scream (howl) to make them back off until you can think again.

Having things about yourself that some people call gifts but that others call a curse and not knowing which one to believe.

Right down to routines (wolves are on a monthly routine) and meditation or focal points (anchors) being the only way to deal with the sensory overload and calm yourself down.

Lots of ADHD people I know are really tactile. It makes perfect sense. Touch releases happy chemicals and we are perpetually lacking the happy chemicals. I myself love tactility, if only from literally one person. The concept of “puppy piles” is so fucking nice I can’t even describe it. It gives me a fucking serotonin high just thinking about it.

The reassurance that the concept of “packs” brings, a community of people just like you who accept you and let you be yourself? People who will accommodate you without blaming you for making their lives more difficult? That is so much harder to find than you think, even amongst other neurodivergent people.

Not to mention, when a werewolf freaks out about the loud noise or jumps at the slam of a door across the house? People just accept it. No one questions it, cus’ “They’re a werewolf.”

Werewolf shows or books or fanfic show a werewolf acting in a way that ‘normal’ people would find incredibly weird, but from their point of view. They let the audience hear the noise that made the wolf react. They alter the lens (sometimes really badly) so that you get a visual representation of the wolf’s vision tunneling so they only think about that one thing right now and none of the rest of the world matters.

No calling them ‘obsessed’ or ‘sensitive’ or ‘paranoid.’ No viewing them as ‘That annoying character who freaks out at nothing.’ Now the audience can see the cacophany of having that mindset and those feelings. They actually understand.

When I read about werewolves, I feel like I’m reading my own fucking thoughts. Yes, my dude, I totally feel you. The squeak of that person’s brakes might not bother anyone else because they can tune it out, but you can’t and it feels like the loudest sound in the world. No one else can smell that scent on the bed or the couch from like three weeks ago, but by god it’ll give you a fucking headache when you’re trying to sleep. Running off all that energy must be nice. I too lose my temper at the tiniest things for no discernible reason and have feelings so intense that I can’t breathe. I feel you about there being too much going on all the time, and I can’t get my homework done either.

It’s no fucking wonder that Stiles fits in so well with werewolves.

For ages I thought I was a total freak for being so obsessed with werewolves, but it’s just because I relate to them so damn much. Mystery solved, I can go back to my fanfic in peace.

Tldr; Werewolves are good ADHD rep and you won’t change my mind.